A Choice

I am a single voice, in a sea of many voices

Sometimes I am a hypocrite and admittedly,

I don’t always practice what I preach

Sometimes, I have a lot to say

And sometimes I don’t

But I have come to know that my voice matters.

I am a woman, a daughter, a mother, and a friend

Sometimes I am a teacher

And I am constantly a learner

Although I haven’t always known it,

I have come to believe that somehow, these things matter.

I am very much a product of my circumstances

Of my class, my race, my privilege, my religion, and my education

These things, I know, have shaped my worldview

And built my foundation

But I have also come to know, that I have a choice about what I do with my circumstances and how I chose to respond.

I am very often a blind consumer

A participant and an observer

There are many things I do, that I am not proud of

And few things that I am

I have come to know that the choices I make continue to shape the person that I am and the person I will become

I often get angry about things and don’t know how to respond

Yet, there are many things that demand a response,

A choice

And an action.

I have come to know that there is no middle ground when it comes to institutionalized racism and oppression

There is no middle ground when voices are being drowned out by violence

There is no middle ground when communities are suffering from “broken windows” policing

There is no middle ground when brutality is chosen over love

There is no middle ground when people are treated as less than human

There is no middle ground when fear drives the choices that we make

We must stand on the side of those who are broken

Walk with those whose have no power

We must plant our feet somewhere, as there is no road to walk in between.

-C. O'Connell-

A Poem for C

You're beautiful, despite your flaws, just the way you are

Let go of thoughts that cross your mind and make you feel subpar

I know sometimes it's hard to feel the beauty that's inside

You have those days of too tight pants and hips that feel so wide

I've been there standing, scrutinizing every inch of skin

And thinking I'd be happier if only I were thin

Through all the countless moments that I looked into the mirror

I never seemed to realize the reflection was of fear

The girl I'd grown to hate so much and looked at with displeasure

I presumed was bound by flaws of inch and pound and measure

I think about the moments that I spent on vanity

All all the times I lost the chance to make a memory

Of times I spent alone and sad, sinking in my pain

Tormented with distorted views that fear would ascertain

Looking back, I see it now: my insecurity

From chains of imperfection, I am slowly breaking free

Don't lose yourself to feelings that are formed within self-doubt

Reject the cookie-cutter mold society set out

Stand up and shout; You're made to live a life out in the sun

Don't hide amongst the shadows, for that's all be said and done

You're beautiful, within your flaws, just the way you are

So don't give up, let go of thoughts that make you feel subpar

-C. O'Connell-

Gifts

My gifts are not for me to own

To guard or hold as mine

But treasures you have loaned to me

To be a holy sign

I bear not proud accomplishment

For times that I succeed

Nor long for gifts of other men

With heart eclipsed by greed

I long to walk and move in you

Like you have moved in me

I hope my life is lived in you

As gift, I'm made to be

I pray I give this back to you

More precious than before

For I am but a broken soul

But you have made me more

-C. O'Connell

New Life

I sit here in the tension

In the time of in between

Waiting for new life to come

So present yet unseen

I feel you moving day by day

Snuggled in my womb

Each stretch and nudge a gentle sign

That life, in time, will bloom

I watched in silent wonder

As you formed beneath my skin

I, the simple vessel

Of such grace that grows within

At times these months have trickled by

In great anticipation

And still, it seems just yesterday

I dreamt of your creation

My skin has stretched, my body groaned

Sustaining life within me

My heart has danced, my mind has raced

With questions of what will be

So very soon, I’ll meet you

And gaze upon your tiny face

Holding for the first time

A bundle of God’s endless grace

I cannot wait to know you

To see our love made real

And know at last a mother’s love

That only I can feel

For now, I wait expectantly

With questions pressed upon my heart

I pray for strength for what’s to come

Ready for your life to start

-C. O'Connell-

Photo courtesy of Claire Bira, Imageclarity

Incarnational Being

You breathed in me a breath divine

To breathe into creation

An incarnation of Yourself

As living affirmation

You sang to me a song of love

To hold close at my core

And sing again, unto the world

As those who came before

You danced with me, before I knew

The way to walk upon the earth

And now, though I step clumsily

I still recall our dance ‘fore birth

You walked with me, as You do now

We journey hand in hand

Returning soon, when you desire

Unto the Promised Land.

-C. O'Connell-

I Am

There’s something deep inside of me
That stirs me, without name
Its movements lead me back at times
To where I first became
It carries me beyond my thoughts
Of self-identity
With roles and words and labels
To where I can simply be
It strips me of my ego self
The self that clings to forms
Defined by body, act, or mind
And judged by set of norms
My beauty soon will fade away
My intellect may fail
And though I planned, my feet will walk
An unexpected trail
But when I’m still I’m taken far
Beyond my own control
And find my rest in energy
Embedded in my soul
These moments I can separate
My spirit from my skin
And dance upon single breath
The “I am” deep within

-C. O'Connell-

Surviving Silence

At times the silence amplifies

I pray my ears can’t hear it

But then it sinks beneath my skin

And swells until I fear it

My mind begins to race again

With thoughts I once had buried

And worries sing their anxious songs

Of doubt that I have carried

Oh tasks that I can cross and check

I know you don’t sustain

But could you come and steal away

This slow and silent pain?

The shadows come and dance about

Within this tiny space

Where I am held, against my will

Alone, myself, I face

I hold my breath, then dive headfirst

Into this pool of thought

Swimming through the darkest blues

And longing I forgot

There, submerged in solitude

I find an eerie rest

Small, exposed, and broken

But loved, embraced, and blessed

I ease into the comfort

Of the silence that I feared

And sit within my loneliness

Because your hand appeared

At times, the silence comes again

With noise I hope will cease

But then I yield, and enter in

And welcome struggle’s peace

-C. O'Connell-